Wednesday, April 14, 2004

No joy in River City this week as the secret hospital police are in town making their triennial visit. What a load of fecalent vomiting. Are the inspectors so dense that they think the hospital looks and runs like this all the time? What the surveys create is some sort of medical-based Brigadoon where the ideal hospital only appears every three years. JCAHO also institutes all sorts of inane requirements on hospitals such as four raised bedrails equal a restrained patient and making the radios in the OR go through inspection by the biomed department that it is almost comedic. There have been months of reviews and drills and "mock reviews" that is seems like preparation for Operation Overlord. The only advantage of the visit so far is the surgeon's locker room has gotten a fresh coat of paint and some worn floor tiles have been replaced.
I have so far been able to skillfully avoid being sucked in to any JCAHO activities, but there are several days left to go. If stopped and ruthlessly interrogated I will hand them this and say it is from the new patient orientation pamphlet:

While a trip to the hospital is rarely pleasant, here are some tips to help you prepare for the experience:

Before entering a hospital for treatment, weigh your holistic health-care options against your wish to actually get better.
If you have a wok at home, it's a good idea to get some bedpan practice before the pressure is on.
Some drugs react violently with alcohol; some don't. Ask around.
If you are going to the hospital for treatment of a severed limb, remember to bring the limb.
Bring your regular medications with you to the hospital. God only knows where the hospital finds theirs.
Read a couple of Newsweek articles about your condition. This information will allow you to second-guess your doctor's every move.
Be forewarned: Hospitals apply a vast mark-up to the items in the in-room minibars.
Wear clothing that is loose-fitting and comfortable, yet appropriate to bleed in.
If you behave like a brave little soldier, you may be offered ice cream.
Whatever you do, don't check into any facility called "General Hospital." That place is full of back-stabbing, narcissistic lunatics.
Pack several extra pairs of slippers. Slippers in the hospital are like cigarettes in prison.
Before knocking out an intern and stealing his uniform, make sure he's your size.
Many patients complain that hospitals cut their stay short. Don't be coerced into signing out until you're dilated to 10 cm and the baby's head can be seen.
Bring $500 in fives to "grease the wheels," if you get my meaning. The good mashed potatoes.
If bruised, find a hospital known to have a good bruise ward.
Keep in mind that, today, many procedures can be performed on an outpatient basis. Some can even be done outside.
When you arrive at your hospital room, decide which item you'd be willing to accept as the final thing you see on this earth.

Then I will run for my life......
From The Onion
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